Summersdale

Synopsis

Forget the myth that you’ll be a sort of elder statesperson to the rest of the family. Your life will now consist of sleeping during sex instead of after it, and going to more funerals than weddings. You’ll bend down to touch your toes and then forget what you went down there for.

On the plus side, you can look forward to getting your own stair-lift, and can now get away with making no effort whatsoever to lose weight. And all those charities you gave to – it’s payback time!